Wow.....hi again.

It has been a very long time since I have posted anything on here.  I have had a very tumultuous year and am still very much living a strange half-life for who knows how long.

Last summer my mom was having trouble swallowing.  It slowly escalated from certain foods to all foods and then to everything, including water.  She went for tests and then more tests and then some more tests and was told by the doctor (asshole) that the lump wasn't cancerous and that she just had a blockage.  He then sent her home and told her to contact her family doctor.  After many doctors appointments, scopes down her throat and emergency room stays (including passing a 2cm gall stone, ALONE)  a new doctor finally discovered that this lump is a cancerous tumor in her esophagus and as it grew it was making it impossible for her to swallow anything. 

As you will then correctly assume, she started radiation and chemotherapy with the doctors saying they were very confident that it would kill the outside cells and shrink the tumor making it so it could be removed and we could go on with our lives.  Firstly, the chemotherapy almost killed her and I spent three days in the emergency room with her while they tried to figure out what was wrong and she didn't know who she was.  Secondly, after all of those treatments that almost killed her they then tell us that it didn't work and she had very little time to live.

There are no words to express my complete desolation and despair.  I've never felt so alone and scared in my life.  My mother has always been my best friend and closest confidante, the thought of living after she is gone kills me and I feel that I am slowly evolving into a new person as I care for her at home.

She was in the hospital for a month and the doctors said that she has less than three months to live and that even that was a generous estimate.  I got her out of the hospital to enjoy her last days in her own home (she wanted to watch the British Open on her own tv) and cheer her up as she got quite depressed while there.  Surprisingly she has rallied and is so strong and doing very well.  The  nurses say that she has surprised them all and the original estimate of length of life has gone up dramatically.  Unfortunately there is no way to tell how short or long her life will be and so we are now living in limbo, taking each day as it comes and just enjoying the fact that we are still together and happy.

A surprising discovery that occurs during a time of crisis like this is the behaviour of your closest friends and family members.  I have really seen and felt the true desire of certain people to step in and support me through this and the lack of support from others.  I was surprised by the lack of communication and help from some of my closest and longest held friends.  I've received texts with offers of help from some but mostly just "thinking of you" types of things which, I hate to say, don't really mean much considering how close I was to these people and how long I've known them.  I feel let down and left alone by the people I had expected to support me the most.  The one upside is that there are others that I hadn't expected anything from who are by my side often and are so supporting and loving which has helped me very much.

Well, now that I have caught you all up with my life, had a major bitch session and explained why I've been gone so long I thank you for reading and hopefully I'll have happier news to share in my next post.